Strength

Time and time again I was told how brave and how impressed people were that I kept such strong spirits during my complicated pregnancy. Today I sit with my little chubby cheeks and my little munchkin and think to myself how could I have ever of not had you in my life? My boys were two months old yesterday and I look at them and think wow two months already where has the time gone and why was God so good to us by giving us beautiful healthy boys after being told the worst so many times? Thats a question a may never have the answer to and my heartbreaks when I hear stories of other Mommies who have lost their little ones. If you are a dedicated reader to this blog you might recall me requesting that you pray for another little preemie named Hallie. I have never met this family or this sweet little angel, but somehow managed to get linked into their families email updates with her status after the passing of her twin brother John shortly after birth. Sadly after many many weeks of fighting and daily emails that I have been following little Hallie passed away.

For all of you who were in aw of me and thought that my trust and strength in God was so accepting you must read the final email from Kate (Hallies mother) that I got today. I admire this woman for her bravery. I was blessed with God allowing my little boys to stay grounded here with me and yet this family lost not one but two of their precious children after many complications and weeks and weeks of NICU ups and downs. Please pray for this family that God given them strength and all the support He can as they cope with another loss. Below is the final update I got...I'll warn you I cried like a baby as I was reading it, but at the same time smiled knowing that this sweet sweet child is no longer in pain or suffering and that God has brought her home.....


Hello everyone,

I've been writing updates since Mom left - a little over 11 weeks - and this is the hardest one I will have to write. Hallie passed away today at approximately 1:30 p.m.

You all got the update this morning that Hallie had a very bad overnight. Reagan had an eye appointment and we decided he would go to that and I would call if he needed to come down to the hospital. When I got in with Hallie, I saw that she was on 100% oxygen and her saturations were just in the upper 80s. Her pressures were the highest they had ever been and her chest still was not moving well. She was definitely more swollen...one of the hardest things to see was her hands - she has always been able to grip Reagan and I and hold on...she could not close her hands today. The nurse came in to give Hallie her medicine, and before she did anything, Hallie started to destat (her heart rate got jumpy and fell below 100 at times and her oxygen saturations dropped below 40 at times). They called Dr. McIntyre and she asked where Reagan was. She also started crying. She said that maybe Hallie was just waiting for us to give her permission to go, and she was ready to go play with her brother again...that got me crying of course. She said they could probably do things to keep Hallie going until Reagan got there and then we could talk about whether we were ready to let Hallie decide what to do.

I called Reagan and told him to get there as soon as possible. Hallie has shown such incredible strength through her entire life and she did it again today. Without any extra help, she did pull her stats up to where they had been when we got there...I'm so proud of how she hung on for Reagan to get there...she has been so strong and I just can't say enough how proud we are of our daughter and her spirit. They were even able to get her diaper changed - one last poopy diaper. :) Reagan and I had about 20 minutes with Hallie and could tell that she just had had enough. And when Dr. McIntyre came in to talk with us again, Hallie was starting to destat again. They decided to put Hallie in my arms, and I think she took her last breaths with me and was gone almost instantly.

I love Hallie Sara - I am so proud at how many nurses and staff came in to say goodbye to her and to tell us how much she impressed them with her strength and the fight she gave. We had 4 months with her here and we eventually will have an eternity with her in heaven. There is such peace knowing that Hallie is no longer in this swollen body and is no longer having to fight to live, but is living in the presence of God with her brother. One thing I have dreamed about since knowing I was having a daughter was getting to dance around the house with her, and now I have a tearful joy knowing that Hallie is dancing with the Lord and one day, she and I will dance together in heaven.

We're in a bit of shock - if it seems sudden to you, we actually have played out these scenarios but like with John, we kept praying for God's miraculous healing here on Earth, rather than Him needing to take her to heaven to be healed. We know that she has touched your lives as well, and we are proud of the impact she has made with her life.

Some details -

- We still do not want flowers, but we will just be making the scholarship fund at FCS now the John Andrew & Hallie Sara Kinser Memorial Scholarship. Donations can be made to this fund by making checks out to FCS and putting in the memo line the name of the scholarship (Address: Kinser Scholarship Fund, FCS, 5400 Coles Ferry Pike, Lebanon, TN, 37087)

- We will probably have a family service in Madisonville, TN, and then I would like to speak at a couple churches in Lebanon...as we figure that out, we will let people know. We are thinking about what, if anything, we will do here in Texas. We know we have tremendous support and we know that we are not the only ones that will grieve with Hallie's passing, and as we figure out details, we will let you all know.

We love you all so much. We are sad that Hallie did not get to meet all the people that have been praying for her, and yet we know that we will all be with her someday and it will be a joyful celebration. God is amazing. Simply amazing. Hallie's life is something to be celebrated because I know she showed God to us each day, and I am so thankful you let me share that with each of you. Your support - well there aren't words for how Reagan and I have been touched by God's provision for us in the friendship you have given. Obviously, we do need continued prayers as we figure out how to go on now....we are happy that Hallie is healed, but so so sad to not have her and John here with us.

Love,
Kate